Suppose a member of your family sent (via USPS) a gift that you didn't like. Specifically, the gift was both inappropriate and offensive to you and your family. This person knew the gift would be offensive and sent it nonetheless.
Given that direct confrontation will not serve any constructive purpose, is it okay to pretend the gift never arrived?
(Merry Christmas, Happy Chanuka, and Happy Kwanzaa everyone!)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
40 comments:
Ok - give it up. What's the gift? I mean seriously, someone could be offended by a Starbuck's card.
I would pretend it never arrived. Then assuming it wouldn't be offensive to another recipient else pass it on to a charity shop supporting a cause that you know the person would disagree with.
Absolutely all right. Each year, I cart my unopened gifts from my husband's family to the Goodwill box. Don't have to open them to know they will be offensive and inappropriate! I don't thank them and they don't ask. I guess it's our version of Don't Ask Don't Tell. Works for me.
You could mark it Return to Sender, I suppose. Even more passive-aggressive.
Only if there's no tracking/delivery confirmation number. If objective proof that it arrived exists (and I concede that it's not exactly perfect proof, given that the USPS in some areas is completely unreliable), then pretending it doesn't exist gives the giver exactly the satisfaction they want.
But just because someone sends you an offensive gift doesn't mean you owe it to them to take offense, so any plausible way you choose to not be offended (by not ever knowing the gift existed, by misconstruing it, by finding a way you could use it and actually enjoy it (including donating it to a charity), etc.) is perfectly reasonable.
Wow. Ummm.... if the sender is the sort to ask the question "did you like it?" then you do have a dilemma....
LenapeGirl seems to be on the right track. Is there something you could say happened to it (drowned, demagnetized, spontaneous combustion, interspatial wormhole) which would be particularly plausible for the item in question? (and the idea that someone would send something they knew to be offensive suggests to me that it's something religously inappropriate, proselytization being one of the few areas where people feel compelled to continue offending with malice aforethought).
Are they likely to ask about it? If not, ignore it. If they do say "Yes I received it" and change the subject. Lying is likely to cause more trouble (yea I know... but it probably is).
I'm guessing this gift is religious in theme. If that is the case, you won't be telling the first lie in the exchange.
Just send the gift where it will be appreciated, or recycle responsibly.
Did the package have USPS tracking and does the sender have internet to check the status of the package?
Yes, it was religious and proselytizing in nature. I don't want to have to say "Thank you," hence my concern about just having it disappear. The problem is that I can't remember if I complained to any other family member about it, making a lie dangerous but potentially worth the risk.
Your mom can be such a douchebag.
I suspect if we set her up to go bowling with my SMother, they'd get along fabulously.
I'd say nothing, and if she has the stones to ask, I'd flat-out tell her it was offensive.
eh, can't you be open about it? I.e. "thank you so much for thinking about me. I know this gift shows you care about me very much, and appreciate your caring. However, we hold different spiritual beliefs, which we each feel deeply about. Let's stop giving each other gifts that are related to religion. Your understanding my feelings on this would make me feel truly loved." (hug)
no?? that or you could send them some Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, but I don't think it will end well.
if they're sincerely christian of an evangelical sort, they really are probably proselytizing out of love, as they understand love, you know.
spoken as the recipient of some really gruesome children's bibles from an unfavorite uncle, complete with cherubic kewpie doll apostles and extensive, extensive illustrated bloody descriptions of all of jesus christ's physical sufferings during the Passion and on the Cross.
Just tell him, 'Thanks, but I'm not superstitious, and I don't need any toilet paper just now.'
And smile - smile like you think it's the funniest thing ever.
I'd sell it, then buy a bottle of hard liquor with the proceeds. But that's just me...it's probably better for your temper if you just ditch it and never say anything about it to the people who bought it.
If you can ignore it, that is probably a good option. If not, write a beautiful thank-you note thinking of something positive- thought perhaps not in line with the intent- to say. For example, a bible can be "thank you for the lovely book, it is a nice edition." You are under no obligation to keep the thing, but being gracious under fire can have its rewards.
I would just pretend the gift doesn't exist. Skip the thank you card. If your patron should ask if it arrived, tell the truth. "Yes." The ask a question about the weather.
And I would also sign your mother up for a year's subscription to Modern Witch Magazine (http://www.caerdroia.org/oldblog/archives/001470.html). But don't wait for a thank you. (Although if she should ask you about it, you could tell her that you know how open she is to exploring faiths which challenge her beliefs. If she says she is not, then you can ask her to keep her glow-in-the-dark-Virgin-Mary-holy-water-font-and-windshield-deicer to herself in the future and you won't send her Pagan Nudist Weekly.
Is it any wonder I don't get invited to family reunions?
keep it Angry.
My husband proposes a like gift in kind: stroll down to your favorite adult book store, and purchase a subscription for Big'uns Quarterly for your favorite relative.
I suggest regifting. To an enemy.
I love you guys. She's visiting today -- wish me luck.
I favor something along the lines of "Ah, yes. I assumed it got mixed up with someone else's gift as it clearly was something I'd have no interest in. I donated it to Goodwill in your name, I'm sure they're very happy for your generosity."
No. Just say thank you for the gift. Don't say anything else - if urged to in conversation with giver, repeat the thank you. It is civil yet holds the line.
I love cls' suggestion. It's an excellent, grown-up response. I've managed that kind of open, straightforward communication now and then, and I usually get one of two results:
Your proposal is so clearly thoughtful and mature that the other party can do nothing but agree with you.
Or:
Your proposal is so clearly thoughtful and mature that the other party is completely baffled and is careful to avoid offending you, for fear you'll pull something like this on them again.
Win-win!
Peace unto all your family.
garlicknitter
Ah, come on, grow up. You don't have to lie or anything. Just say "Thank you" and change the subject, if you see the giver in person, or send a card with "Thank you for thinking of me" (on the phone you might get asked if you liked it).
Then put it in a bag with some canned goods (as penance) and drop it off at a local shelter or a church collection for yard sale or whatever. You get extra kharma points for that.
My Mom now has Alzheimer's - no more tacky presents, and she doesn't remember who I am. Somehow, I kind of miss the presents.
I think it depends on the flavor of offensiveness.
If it's just a bible or a little stuffed creepy bear that sings "Jesus loves the little children so", I'd donate it on to someone who could appreciate it, and be honest that I'd gotten rid of it.
If it's like a Bible with leviticus highlighted sent to a gay couple, then retaliation is the best strategy. I would recommend ample quantities of gay porn sent to both home and work addresses, throughout the year.
But then, I'm evil.
The visit is over. The topic of the gift never came up. Yay!
Just for future reference: I complain loudly all the time about UPS leaving packages on the porch only for them to be stolen. If the subject comes up another time, or you get asked about the present next year (was it a creche?), this could be a plausible cover story, if you are up for lying, that is.
For many years I just thanked mom for the presents that were not to my taste and dropped them off at the Goodwill on the way home. Years later, I confessed and she started giving money.
I always just say "thank you, I certain this has some interesting thoughts." to the very right-wing propaganda that the in-laws force on us. This year it was a Rick Warren book of the spirit of Christmas. Just fuel for the fire.
Yay! So apparently she's learned
not to ask, eh? Then you can dump
the gifts and ignore the subject in
future.
Wouldn't it be great to have thank you notes with an explicitly secular message?
My word verification is "lesser".
well, cls beat me to it, but yeah, a copy of Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion would make a nice gift, and your point nicely.
My mother sent me a videocassette of The Silent Scream one year.
Return it and buy something here for next Mother's Day...
why not just be kind? or would that offend your sensibilities?
the entire world doesn't revolve around what you think...it may be a gift that makes the sender feel better.
is your only option to minimize them?
Eh, yep, Anonymous, when someone sends a gift maliciously and knowingly against the beliefs of another, there is no need to be kind. An unkind act is best ignored, not rewarded with a thank you.
Lisa, I'm the anonymous one who suggested kindness.
Guilty. I go with kindness all the time. My folks raised me that way, and it feels wrong to me to be any other way.
An interesting thought. I'm assuming the gift was meant to proselytze in some way. Should a gift of ham to a Hasidic be greeted with a "thank you?" Is it different from a clueless person than from someone who knows what treyf is?
"Thank you for thinking of us" is always safe.
I'm serious. I think this merits a SMother event. I'll send the SMother appropriate contact info, and she can therapomus-ize . She is ALWAYS looking for an excuse to use her PhD in Psych, and her specialization in prisons...
Failing that, she could always recommend someone to shank the offending party.
"I'd sell it, then buy a bottle of hard liquor with the proceeds.
Brilliant. Can we do this?
You all need a lesson in manners, so I researched what Miss Manners would do.
It's perfectly ethical to sell the gift on, say, eBay, and, at the same time, write a heartfelt THANK YOU note to the giver.
"You'll be happy to know your thoughtful gift arrived in perfect condition. Thank you so much for remembering me during the holiday season."
What the giver really gave you was a lesson in humility and the opportunity to be gracious--even when relatives don't agree with you, or you with them.
Offensive indeed. I agree, small mindedness by a gift recipient is hugely offensive.
Please don't insult my intelligence with allusions to Kwanzaa. While Xmas and Hanukkah both have long, LONG provenances in religious belief, Kwanzaa is a wholly made-up "holiday" intended to deceive African Americans into thinking they have an equivalent "black" celebration. It is not religious, it has no basis in fact, and only benefits the merchants who exploit it.
You could forward it, so that it appears to still be from the original sender, to the family member that would be the most offended.
If confronted that it was sent to you, dumb looks and empty eyed shakes of the head would move the sender to think they had sent it to the wrong person.
Post a Comment