And yet they tell me it isn't life-threatening.

Imagine something painful, say, a splinter under a fingernail. Or maybe that first night after a broken bone. Or labor. Now make it worse, maybe ten times worse. Such is the pain of a thrombosed, prolapsed hemorrhoid. I know, because I have experienced all four of these events. The broken bone was pretty bad -- I did a lot of moaning that night. Labor was bad, too -- much moaning and rocking back and forth on my hands and knees for that one. Now imagine sticking a fork sideways into your rectum and holding it there for a week. Such is my pain, the pain of a thrombosed, prolapsed hemorrhoid. I wish I were dead.

I have tried everything. Sitz baths, salves and unguents, aspirin, acetaminophen, and ibuprofen by the handful. I have contemplated a run to the emergency room, but something tells me the physicians there have more important things to do than look at my asshole. So I lie in bed and moan (I'm good at that), as my rectum turns itself inside out every time I breathe.

In the last 90 minutes, a miracle has occurred. What is that miracle, you ask? Oxycodone. Not only am I able to sit upright and eat food, but there is now a non-zero probability that I will be able to meet my classes this week. Furthermore, this fabulous opioid has loosened my inhibitions sufficiently to allow me to share the condition of my rectal tissues with the entire goddamn world.

Advice before going to a birthday party.

At some point, you or your child will get an invitation to a little kid's birthday party. Look carefully at this invitation; if it comes from my household, it will have a postscript that says, "Please, no gifts." Do not bring a gift.

Now you need to think. What were the parents thinking when they went to the effort to add this postscript to the invitation? They have probably explained to the child that she will not be getting gifts at her party. The child may have cried, and the parents may have struggled to help her understand that presents are not necessary to have a good time, and that parties are to spend time with friends and family. The parents probably also tried to get her to understand that she has more toys than she needs already, and that more would just be wasteful.

Think also about how the other parents will feel when you bring a gift and their children do not. You will make them uncomfortable. Some of them might leave the party or send their spouses out to Target real fast to get something, anything for a gift. Why would you want to do that?

Of the 17 invitations we sent out, each with the same postscript, how is it that 15 of you decided to disregard this simple request? I hate you all.

Extra credit question.

At 10:30 last night, Angry Professor was snuggled up in bed, cozy, reading Harvest of Stars, when she jumped out of bed to

(a) throw up.
(b) apply flea treatment to her pets.
(c) answer a student's email.
(d) submit a grant proposal minutes before the deadline.

The correct answer is (b). Nothing but being chewed on by vermin could get me out of bed after 10:00.

The he-man woman-hater's club.

The tenure and promotion committee (all tenured faculty) met today to vote on three issues. One was to offer tenure to a new hire. The other two involved taking time off the tenure clock for two junior faculty.

Faculty member #1 became a parent two years ago. The baby had serious health problems and eventually died. This person got a year off the tenure clock for the baby, and was requesting a second year, given the amount of time spent nursing the baby and then dealing with her death. Our college allows up to three years time off the tenure clock for maternity and family leave.

The vote to allow this person an additional year passed, but it was not unanimous.

Faculty member #2 joined the department last year. This person's research requires specialized equipment shared by other researchers at LSU. This equipment was faulty, and only after eight months was the problem isolated and resolved. Our college has no policy for stopping the tenure clock for equipment reasons, although similar requests have been honored by the dean in the past.

The vote to allow this person an additional year passed, and it was unanimous.

Neither faculty member anticipates using the additional year, but because these requests must be made at certain times of the year and approved by the dean, they are playing it safe. Guess which faculty member was a man, and which was a woman.

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...

Since the inception of my little blog I have used Technorati to keep track of links. Recently, however, A Gentleman's C has been "spamdexed," and a search of Technorati turns up links to gay porn sites, fly-by-night travel agencies, and "shops" claiming to sell knockoff Gucci and Coach^* bags. I am left wondering why no straight porn sites are turning up in my search. (Updated to add: There they are! Now I'm linked to all kinds of porn!)

I have a tech support request in to Technorati, but I doubt they will do anything permanently useful. Perhaps I'm being too pessimistic?

Updated again to add: I just spent an hour submitting all the damn spam blogs linking me to Blogger. Each and every one had removed the "flag for objectionable content," so I had to submit each one by hand. I hope these people burn forever in the fiery pits of hell.


^*Apropos of nothing, I used to be a loyal Coach customer. I thought nothing of spending $400 for a bag that, at Target, would cost $35. (This was pre-Angry Kid, of course.) Then the strap broke on my $400 bag, and I tried to use the fabulous "lifetime warranty!" they tout with every purchase. Imagine my surprise when my bag was returned to me with a form letter and a refusal to even attempt to fix the strap. "Too bad," the letter said. "Here's 20% off your next purchase instead." 20%? For a $400 bag that lasted less than a year? Bite me, Coach.