Imagine something painful, say, a splinter under a fingernail. Or maybe that first night after a broken bone. Or labor. Now make it worse, maybe ten times worse. Such is the pain of a thrombosed, prolapsed hemorrhoid. I know, because I have experienced all four of these events. The broken bone was pretty bad -- I did a lot of moaning that night. Labor was bad, too -- much moaning and rocking back and forth on my hands and knees for that one. Now imagine sticking a fork sideways into your rectum and holding it there for a week. Such is my pain, the pain of a thrombosed, prolapsed hemorrhoid. I wish I were dead.
I have tried everything. Sitz baths, salves and unguents, aspirin, acetaminophen, and ibuprofen by the handful. I have contemplated a run to the emergency room, but something tells me the physicians there have more important things to do than look at my asshole. So I lie in bed and moan (I'm good at that), as my rectum turns itself inside out every time I breathe.
In the last 90 minutes, a miracle has occurred. What is that miracle, you ask? Oxycodone. Not only am I able to sit upright and eat food, but there is now a non-zero probability that I will be able to meet my classes this week. Furthermore, this fabulous opioid has loosened my inhibitions sufficiently to allow me to share the condition of my rectal tissues with the entire goddamn world.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
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13 comments:
I went through this earlier in the semester, and lacking health insurance had to find my way around it. (if you search, you'll see how i bitched about it) So I completely understand. It is really the worst pain i've evern gone through.
Two things worked for me. First, old fashioned witch hazel. It works as a vasoconstrictor. Put it in the fridge and it helps even more. A little on a cotton ball before and after you have to go does wonders. It will numb/calm the area. Ice packs helped too believe it or not. (and being on my stomach all the time)
Donut pillows made it worse for me. I was better having something wedged in there when I sat. Sitting helped over standing when teaching.
I also started drinking gallons of water and went with a very unconventional cure. Cayenne pepper pills. Any health food store has them. Again, same concept as the witch hazel. Email me if you want, I can give you exact type I tried. It took about 4 days, but it eventually resolved.
Oh and beware---- narcotics will make you constipated!!!! (part of what brought mine on was tylenol with codeine after surgery) That equaled constipation equalled well..you know
CORECTION... didn't proof the first time
Weezy, good point. A.P. Watch out for dehydration..
Now.
Nutz and bolts and way too much info:
I cannot believe I am writing this gross, secret advice.. But we are asshole sistahs underneath it all...
Squat over a mirror (in your oxycodoned state, natch)and with a sterilized needle...Prick that bastard and drain it... It will relieve the pressure immediately...
Ta DA!!!!!!
How much oxycodone do you have to take before you start taking medical advice pertaining to sharp objects near your nether regions from the internet?
Actually, if you get to a surgeon (or an FP with surgical skills, like moi) within the first day or two, we can indeed slice the thing open and pop out the clot with instant relief. If you wait much longer than that, the clot starts to "organize", which is the first part of the process by which the body gets rid of it.
Poking it with a needle a week later won't do anything, Jillie. You're getting it confused with an abscess.
So sorry for your ordeal.
I have problem with a hemorrhoid from time to time. I deal with it in a more direct way than the previous posters. You want to relieve swelling as mentioned above, but the final objective is to get the hemorrhoid back inside the rectum so it is not being squeezed by the anal sphincter. After you get the swelling down, take you finger and find the hemorrhoid. Then push it back up inside your butt. Many flash bulbs will go off in your head and you may feel like you have transported somewhere else by the burst of pain. If you get the thing back up inside the pain will stop instantly. The hemorrhoid also has a much greater chance of healing if it is not being strangled by the anal sphincter.
Oh, my. My condolences on your hemorrhoids.
Guess I was lucky--when mine have flared up, they just itched like the dickens.
We should all be so forthcoming on our blogs. We'd learn a lot, just as I've learned a lot from your post and these comments.
Ahhhhh... steroids. Blessed, wonderful steroids. The pain is mostly gone, but monster hemorrhoid remains. Angry Doctor was visibly startled yesterday when she examined me. She threw up her purple-begloved hands in a defensive gesture, as if she had discovered a pocket of nuclear waste down there.
Thanks for all the kind words and advice. (Except for the needle one - sorry Jillie. But you go, girl!)
WHAT position were you in, that you could see her reaction as she was probing your nethers?
Glad you got some relief, and o so glad you didn't go the pin route.
I was looking over my shoulder, kinda. All I saw were the purple hands flying up.
I had an anal fissure...I truly TRULY feel your pain.
There are some really good meds out there to help with this, but come at the cost of a rather humiliating examination.
As the old saying goes, you bend over and touch your toes and I'll show you where the wild goose goes.
Kind apropos for Finals season, too.
William the Coroner
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