I'm afraid of flying. As my daughter gets older the fear gets worse. While I can usually get past the fear to get on shorter domestic flights, I can't face the long overseas hauls. (Over water. Good god, no.) Last year I was invited to be the keynote speaker at a conference in Berlin - all expenses paid. I said no, thanks, because I couldn't possibly get on an overseas flight.
I have a conference in Europe this summer. The Angry Baker and I used to go to Europe every summer before the Angry Kid was born. He really, really wants to go, and he really, really wants to take the Angry Kid. I really, really don't want to go and I really, really don't want them to go either. I have only a few days left to register for the conference and reserve my hotel room.
Don't tell me about the odds of a fatal airplane crash. Or my distorted perceptions of risk. Or that driving is more dangerous than flying, or that the short domestic flights are more risky than the overseas ones. I teach this shit; I know all about it. It's an irrational fear. An irrational fear that is now impacting my career.
But has anyone else noticed that there seem to be a lot of planes dropping out of the sky lately for no reason and incinerating all souls on board?
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
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42 comments:
Wow! How ironic that a statistics professor would end such a post with that question.
No one can tell you what your fears OUGHT to be and irrational fears are always nearly impossible to ferret out and quell, but every fear you can't conquer takes a part of your life away from you.
If I were the Angry Baker, I'd be pretty disappointed--but I'd go by myself(taking the child would be different and much more complicated issue). In the interest of full disclosure, I spent years married to a woman who hated to fly and wouldn't travel. Now that we are apart, I take at least one trip to Europe annually(I'm a chef and use the trip for research and inspiration). I kick myself for letting her phobia circumscribe MY life.
That's a long way to say that while you may not want to fly yourself, do you really want to impose your own irrational limits on those you love?
Time for some exposure therapy...
Distraction. It's worked on Angry Kid forever.
While in flight, spend time figuring out the hierarchy of people you'd eat if we crash in the mountains and have to become cannibals. The dude snoozing and oozing onto your space in the plane ... he's first.
I don't even want to talk about someone's yappy shitzu (yeah, I know it's spelled wrong).
There's usually a reason. And if the plane comes apart over water at altitude you won't be incinerated. Frozen, yes. Fragmented, perhaps. Incinerated, no way.
There are such things as boats, however. Cunard has regular service from NYC to London. Amtrak to NYC, boat across, Chunnel to Gare du Nord, TEE to Berlin. Easy-peasy. Albeit expensive and it'll take you a couple of weeks.
No, I haven't noticed an awful lot of plane crashes. No one does: that's why they're national news, and car accidents aren't.
I'd agree with Vincent: exposure therapy is the key. I'd imagine your university has a Psych-department-run clinic staffed by grad students. If you're lucky, they'll be trained in CBT and in evidence-based practice methodologies. If you're REALLY lucky they'll run Mastering your Fears and Phobias, by Michelle Craske of UCLA, with you.
If you're not into doing therapy with a therapist (although it'll work better, I can almost guarantee ya), you can buy that manual yourself and give it a shot.
Airplane phobia is a little tough because it's expensive to fly, but there are a lot of things you can do to work up to that that won't cost you any money. I imagine you could see at least some improvements in just a few weeks, if you do exposure therapy and do exposures good hard and often.
Best of luck, AP, whatever you decide.
I had this same issue in the middle of my graduate career. Since I work on another continent, that was a problem.
I went to a therapist. I think they called it a "simple phobia" because this was my only (known) issue. And I only went maybe three times, because the therapist sucked (don't let anyone play the "if I make you move your eyes very quickly back-and-forth I can reassign your emotional response" game, because that is bullcrap even though people still do it - I forget its official therapy name as a technique at the moment). However, in the basic talking-to-someone-about-my-issue I figured out that I was actually afraid of flying BECAUSE I was afraid of leaving my partner behind if and/or when I died. Realizing that let me deal with the actual problem, and I can now fly without issue.
Long story, maybe, but go talk to somebody. There's an underlying issue that makes you afraid of death, and figuring that out may make things better.
I have never had any qualms about flying, and I used to fly around quite a lot (in planes...not on my own power or something like that), and lately I just coincidentally have not had the need to levitate..but I agree with you that it has seemed scarier lately. I work parttime in NYC, and these past few months, it seemed that the weeks I had to come into the city, a plane would always crash *that* week. I was thinking of taking a breather on my NYC visits in case my presence was somehow causing these blips... I know, crazy, irrational, and totally new for me! No fear of planes whatsoever before this!!! Anyway, I'm telling you all this, to let you know that I can definitely empathize with your feelings and the two minds of how it is irrational, but damnit, it's also scary. Recognizing that your cortical workings are being overwhlemed by your amygdala, have you considered drugs? Especially since you're flying with your family, you could be a litle dopey and someone would be watching over you. And in these weeks before you have to go, maybe an Attivan now and then when you're really ruminating too much? It has done wonders for me, with my other irrationalities...seemed wrong to be adjusting brain chemistry like this, but I actually felt much 'clearer' when I could tamp down these fears a little. I hope you can figure something out -- I would die for a work-related trip (i.e. expenses covered!) to Europe right now....so jealous! And I would love to read all about it in your blog!
Liberal Arts Lady, you're talking about EMDR.
Angry Prof, you should find an exposure-based CBT therapist in your area. Specific phobias are really one of the most treatable disorders there are - as a whole, we are really really good at treating phobias. It can even be done in a few hours if people are willing to do the exposure that fast.
For plane phobias, some places are using virtual reality therapies, because it can be so expensive to go on a plane over and over again.
You can find a good CBT therapist in your area here: www.abct.org
(God, I sound like an infomercial. Can you tell I'm almost a PhD?)
I used to have a paralyzing irrational fear of flying but I flew anyway and had horrible panic attacks etc. It got better over time, but not for any particular reason (no therapy, no courses for phobic flyers). Now I just feel very anxious, but not extremely anxious. One thing that helped was going to the airport and watching planes take off and land over and over and over; many airports have a place on the perimeter where you can park and watch the planes from a distance. Another thing was flying with my kid and having to keep her calm and distracted and pretend that I wasn't freaking out. I hope you will go on the trip with your family.
Now I feel like a turd for what I said to you over dinner about a 9 months ago.
Ok, forget the statistics, etc. I like Angry Baker's idea, but I'll throw in a different perspective as well: Do it for your family. They want to go. They will have a great time in Europe (as will you, once you get there). Give them this time together. You won't regret it.
Go!
My mom didn't fly for fifty years. The first time she flew, she was pregnant and became ill. So fifty years later, she flew with me - loaded up with anxiety meds. The next time was easier and only one pill. The third time she was chatting up the stewardess.
So I highly recommend ativan for the short term. That will at least get you there and back so you can enjoy this wonderful opportunity. Better living through chemistry.
i agree with everybody above. exposure therapy, or tough it out yourself (with the support of the angry loving baker) until you feel better about it.
You already know this is not a reasonable fear. You definitely can't let it stunt the lives of your husband and child, and I hope you won't let it stunt your own! Berlin is lovely!
If you can't manage it, then take the boat and meet them over on the other side, but really, I am sure you can do this.
My mother was also afraid of flying. We had to fly constantly as a family because of my father's job. She ended up mastering her fear through us, her children. She was so concerned with hiding her fear so that we wouldn't notice it and become afraid too, and was so focused on us & keeping us calm and non-grumpy and okay (the family flying began when we were tiny kiddies, just barely over a year old, and sometimes involved going to Africa, which at the time meant 48 hours in airports or in the air), that she soon forgot to be afraid herself. She unlearned the fear.
Hope something like this will happen for you! Definitely don't tell your daughter that you are afraid - don't normalize the fear for her! Once I was older and knew, it was one of the most touching gifts my mother gave me.
Bon courage.
Valium.
But seriously, there are some excellent anti-anxiety drugs that won't knock you out.
I second the Ativan suggestion. It makes flying so much easier for me.
Psycgirl, yes, thank you! I shouldn't try to comment pre-class without time for adequate googling...
Also, good luck dealing with this; having an irrational fear always made me ashamed of myself, as a scientist. But things happen. And hopefully get better, too.
I concur: Get therapy. That's not to pathologize you or anything, but if you are unable to fly to Europe for career-related obligations, it is affecting your well-being and productivity.
My thoughts on the recent string of plane crashes: 1)Human have this thing called automatic vigilance where we notice and remember negative information much more so than positive or neutral information. Instead of thinking of the planes that crash, it's helpful to think of the thousands of planes that fly every single day that don't crash. The number of planes that do crash doesn't approach significance. 2) Most of the planes that have crashed recently are not the type of planes one would take on a transatlantic flight. There was the F-22 crash in SoCal, the private plane crash in Montana, and the regional jet that safely landed in the Hudson River. If you look at the track record of your larger jets (747s, Airbus 330s, and such), you see that they rarely crash, and when they do, there are often a large number of survivors. In fact, in many cases all aboard do survive, most without serious injuries. Also, the bulk of incidents took place in the early years of these planes, and so many of the mechanical and design issues have since been corrected.
My first flight as a conscious person (my first two were in infancy) was all by myself from Alabama to Cairo, Egypt at the age of 21. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't an absolute basketcase, and I did it without drugs. I called my mom before takeoff just absolutely weeping in fear. By the time I flew back home 3 weeks later, I was much calmer about flying, and I've since flown nearly a dozen times without incident or anxiety. I'm not sure if/how you're religious, but I found that contemplating a benevolent being greater than myself was somewhat helpful. :) If not, some simple deep breaths are also quite relaxing. Some folks like to have a drink when they get on board or shortly before, and there's nothing wrong with that if it helps you.
Best of luck to you and I hope that you make it to your conference in Europe. (Strangely, I'm also going to an academic conference in Europe this summer, but I suspect they aren't the same conferences!)
Poor AP - but you had to know we'd all weigh in with advice, right?
I'm a relatively rational and brave over-educated human, but I have 1) a fairly bad phobia of needles, and 2) a less bad but still uncomfortable fear of flying.
I went to a psychologist a few years ago to try to get help with getting vaccinations to travel for my dissertation research, and even though I didn't actually like him much, it was actually really helpful for both fears. The therapy involved lots of imagining a happy place and deep breathing and thinking about the scary event (he used much more technical and impressive language, though.) It wasn't a magical cure or anything, but really did help me control my pretty overwhelming fear of needles.
It seems to have worn off a bit, though, as I declined a TB test my OB's nurse wanted to do on me a month or so ago after some minor hyper-ventilation on the exam table. To be fair, this was an appt. after one where they'd stolen about 6 vials of blood (which I handled quite well, considering. I'm holding a grudge, though.)
So, talking with a counselor can't hurt, right? And isn't most of the conference fee refundable if you pull out relatively soon? And you'd enjoy the conference, right? Big dreams, baby.
FT
P.S. The fear of flying seems to have abated somewhat after the many short flights (legs of longer journeys) for job interviews and research.
I would like to know what your daughter's age has to do with it. I have a similar experience. I was not afraid to fly until I met my boyfriend. Now, I get on a plane and all I can think about is crashing! I thinks its because I love him so much, I can't bare to think about not being with him. Its totally irrational, because if I'm dead, I won't be sad that I'm not with him. Is love the root of your recent phobia as well, or is it another issue?
I have the same phobia, and bad. But I have to fly. Across the Atlantic. Regularly.
I use Xanax. All my doctors have prescribed it for me without question (leading me to have a cabinet full of the stuff - I only use it fly). You'll have to experiment with the dosage. I find that if I get enough in me so that I don't throw a screaming fit on take off I'll be ok. Unless the flight gets bumpy, and then it's time for more. And some more for landing. (I also find that my dosage is fairly low - unless it gets bumpy.)
I could never hold a job where flying to meetings would be necessary, because I arrive quite mellow, happy and sleepy. Still, that's one of the (few remaining) perks of being an academic.
"Tough it out"? Anyone who says that has never been around someone who has a real phobia. I don't want to go through that, my fellow passengers don't want me sobbing and begging them to make it stop, the service staff really don't want that. But that's what would happen without the drugs.(Exposure therapy? No forkin' thanks, even if I could afford it.)
I had loved flying and had never been over open water and then flying out of San Francisco the plane circled out over the ocean and .... I can't swim!!!...therefore I was in danger. It makes no sense at all. I really do want to see the other side of the world.
Oh, AP, I certainly feel for you. I struggled for many years with this problem, and still have it somewhat. Nothing cured me, but Xanax did help, and the fact that there were a few times I HAD to fly to help out my kids. (Long story.) You'd be surprised what you can do when you have the mindset that you are giving your life for someone. I still struggle with a huge fear of travel and other things that have set me back in many ways. If nothing else, don't feel guilty! Yes, do this for your kids, but realize that this is an irrational fear, and if it were rational, you wouldn't be having it. Best to you.
I'm with you AP... I can't fly either. I used to fly someplace and then have to drive home. And forget about changing planes to get to one destination. Get off and get back on another? Not likely! I duck in the car while driving when a plane is coming in for a landing over me! A friend told me that she conquered her fear by learning to fly a plane because then she understood the machine better and realized exactly what acts of whomever it would take for it to crash. Since I feel I could fly a plane if trained, I think it's a 'control' issue for me.
I have heard the 'happy pills' work wonders, and I thank your readers for being specific about which ones to use.
I don't like flying either. I used to puke my guts out on every flight. Now I just get all drugged up so that I am knocked out cold by the time we reach our cruising altitude.
I also want to agree with Tim: those who don't have the fear don't understand it. Period. (hell, we don't even understand it)
As anonymous said, there are boats that can take you overseas.
I am a travel agent, and I just set up a trip exactly like this for my mother-in-law who is terrified of flying. She is leaving from Colorado, driving to New Orleans and cruising from there to Italy - it's only a 7 day cruise, so I wouldn't say that the trip to Europe would take you "weeks" as Anonymous stated, but not flying would add some time. You also don't have to go with Cunard (a VERY exensive cruise line). Go to www.vacationstogo.com and click on their "90 day ticker" and then look in their "Atlantic" and "repositioning" cruises. There are some great cruises that leave from ports all over the East Coast and go to various destinations in Europe, not just from NYC to London (technically Dover). I would look at Carnival, Princess, and Celebrity cruise lines. Mother in law spent only $449 per person for her Atlantic crosser which is actually cheaper than some flights - depending on where you would be flying from.
Hope that this helps!
Rachele
(PS, no, I don't work for vacationstogo.com, but I do reccomend them as an honest, and extremely helpful company).
Apologies if I post this twice.
Consider that you may have the opportunity here to help Angry Kid grow up without your fear. I can only imagine that the frequent plane trips I took as a child - once or twice a year from the time I was only a few months old on into my teens - has a lot to do with the fact that I can only barely understand the fear of flying. If you can find some way to keep your own anxiety in check, you can make it a really fun thing for her early in life so that she never really knows to be afraid. Get her excited about going new places, maybe buy something fun like a new book or a travel game, and make sure and bring some gum for her to chew to help equalize the pressure. You can take your fear and make it her strength :)
I have a milder case of fear of flying. I can get in the plane, but I'm white-knuckled through it all. In particular, I am irrationally terrified of take-offs. I actually have to repeat to myself that heavier-than-air mechanical items can fly as a magic mantra - this ensures that the plane will take off; well, not really, of course, but it helps calm me down.
As to the crashes - I actually tend to feel marginally safer after a crash. Why? Because I know that the crash will be foremost in people's mind and that they will be extra careful repairing planes, etc., after one.
I am much intrigued by the cruise concept. I have no fear of flying, but I dislike airports in the current age, uncomfortable places that they are, and it is boring to get stuck in one for weather reasons when you are tired and just want to get there ... or get stuck in one and miss part of your conference.
I had a different phobia. Xanax worked, it really did. And it helped me feel how it would feel not to have the phobia, which was most instructive. Figuring out what underlay the phobia is what got me over it, but it was nice too to have an MD who said look, if you never get over it isn't a big deal since you don't [fly] that often, in a worst case scenario just take Xanax to [fly], and don't worry about it. This relaxed approach actually helped me really get over it.
Exposure therapy would just be re traumatization in my view, and "toughing it out" is not a reliable strategy. It may work for a few hours but if anything happens to trigger the phobia it will be out of control and it will not be because of lack of will power or resolve. (I do not believe in behavioral therapy, CBT, etc., and I know whereof I speak. These are silly authoritarian mechanistic and I want to say American strategies which assume extreme immaturity and stupidity on the part of the "patient." If they can get the "patient" to believe these things as well and obey, then they consider their work done. It isn't done, it's just buried.)
I also disagree with the comments which suggest that you will raise your child in fear if you do not face this phobia and so on. That leads to guilt tripping which will only add to the phobia in the end. If you don't insist the child share the phobia. Having been raised by phobic parents I can say that the problem is not that they are phobic, but that they say it is not a problem and that their phobias are not phobias but "realism." THAT is hard to deal with. Having a parent who says gosh, I have an irrational fear and it is a problem, is not bad.
One of my father's phobias is claustrophobia. He dislikes elevators, small rooms, dark rooms, and rooms without windows. What he does about it: breathing techniques and so on if it is necessary to go into such rooms. Hourly breaks outdoors if it is necessary to meet or work in such a room. Refusal to stay in hotel rooms with these characteristics, even for "just a night." I don't think this is a bad way to manage it, and I don't think going on a ship is a bad way to manage fear of flying.
Just think of the Angry Kid years form now: "Well, my mother was afraid to fly, so when we went to Europe we went by ship, although it was rather anachronistic by then. It meant we also saw New Orleans, and we passed by interesting islands. Life on shipboard was an anthropological study in itself...".
[Anyway, I am chatting while waiting for an airline website to work. Germany is also paying for me to go speak there and I am pleased as punch, this kind of thing rarely happens to me, and I will go to a country where I can barely speak, which is exciting, I will have to figure it out. But it is far from Berlin and I cannot afford Berliner tourism, although I would love to go. So probably you're not on my flight, I'm flying to a different city; otherwise I'd fly with you in solidarity.]
PS. OK I looked at that cruise site. There are in fact quite a few going to Europe, heavily discounted, on the 90 day ticker. They'll be inconvenient (slow ... some actually do take 2 weeks) and still about twice as expensive as flying but if it's summer and family vacation it doesn't seem too bad.
When I was a child it was still cheaper to cross by ship. There must have been transatlantic flights then, but the first one I actually went on was in 1970. Before that we always went by ship, small ship (cheap ship), and it took 10 days each way. We sat in deck chairs and read books, and played shuffleboard. There was repetitive food (not opulent cruise food). My father would write articles in longhand, on legal pads. It was all quite picturesque. I recommend it.
PS. OK I looked at that cruise site. There are in fact quite a few going to Europe, heavily discounted, on the 90 day ticker. They'll be inconvenient (slow ... some actually do take 2 weeks) and still about twice as expensive as flying but if it's summer and family vacation it doesn't seem too bad.
When I was a child it was still cheaper to cross by ship. There must have been transatlantic flights then, but the first one I actually went on was in 1970. Before that we always went by ship, small ship (cheap ship), and it took 10 days each way. We sat in deck chairs and read books, and played shuffleboard. There was repetitive food (not opulent cruise food). My father would write articles in longhand, on legal pads. It was all quite picturesque. I recommend it.
Has anyone suggested going by ship?
Would it help if you and AB went on different flights? That way if something did happen, AK would still have one parent.
I also am pro medication. No sense in making it any harder.
@ Everyone - Thanks. Just airing my fears has made me feel better. I am going to talk to my physician and my colleagues in the Psych department to see what can be done. I'm also going to look into a boat! I thought it would be prohibitively expensive and too long, but I just looked at the price of business-class tickets on the plane... Yikes.
@ D - don't feel bad. Talking to pilots makes me feel better about this; I just hope I didn't talk at you like a therapist. My recollection was that you were charming and supportive!
Hmmmm. I honestly thought this was a clever April Fool's Day prank.
As a psychologist I applaud you for getting help with this and as a loyal follower of the kick-ass angry prof I bid you good luck with the kryptonite!
You could ask your mother to move in with you. Then you'll be begging to fly as far, far away as you can get.
I'm not usually scared of flying, but when it gets a little bumpy or I get nervous for some reason I like to nerd it up by remembering how air is basically just less dense ground, and I'm not scared off falling into the center of the earth am I? I just pretend we're driving along the ground, and visualize all those tenuous little molecular interactions holding up everything... that way I can imagine that turbulence is just like speed bumps on the road.
(Drugs sound reasonable too, though!)
Since I returned from India, I have refused to set foot on a plane. When I have to go to New Jersey for one of my contracting jobs, I insist on train tickets. I hate planes. Yes, it is irrational. But I am right there with you, babe.
My Dad took a boat to Europe a couple of summer ago, he loved it (he doesn't do planes, either). Takes a while, but you have all that time to do things like sleep and read good books.
@profacero
> Germany is also paying for me to go
> speak there and I am pleased as
> punch, this kind of thing rarely
> happens to me, and I will go to a
> country where I can barely speak,
> which is exciting,
Don't be disappointed when you figure out that many people there (well, from my perspective here) speak English - with a horrible German accent :-) I have heard from visitors who wanted to practice their German that they couldn't because people switched to English as soon as they figured they were talking to an English speaker.
> But it is far from Berlin and I
> cannot afford Berliner tourism,
> although I would love to go.
Berlin is overrated. And that is putting it in the nicest possible way. A correct description of Berlin would require much stronger words.
AP - Thank you for the reassurance. And, likewise, you were nothing but interesting and charming yourself (Hey, people, she really is!).
Now, GO to Europe!
I am also scared of flying, but living on an island it a dead cert. I do find it easier though if I travel on a different plane with one child than my husband and other child (a la the Royal family), so that whatever hits me,will not hit them - its a strange comfort.
I also had an eyeball popping flight one day sitting next to a physicist who had worked in aviation. He described in incredible detail, and with great relish, the force that every wing part engine whatever is subjected to as part of the trials they run. Horrifying at the time, but somewhat comforting since.
Ambien. Knock yourself out and let the kid experience the wonder of rationality-based cultures.
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