The ancient Egyptians didn't think much of the brain, so far as human organs go. During the embalming process, the decedent's stomach, liver, lungs and intestines were carefully removed and placed in canopic jars. Each jar, representing the gods of north, south, east or west, was protected by a different deity. The brain, by contrast, was just so much packing inside the skull. The embalmers broke through the nasal sinuses with a hook and dragged hunks of brain tissue out through the nose and threw it away. I thought, often, that my brain was being removed in precisely this way as I sat, last Friday evening, through the Angry Kid's school's Spring "Talent" Show.
Let's be very clear: this was not a delightful parade of painfully cute little kids being put through their paces by their music teachers. This was a collection of awkward middle-schoolers who, after being told over and over again by their parents or friends how awesomely "talented" they are, decided to put on a show.
Monday, June 01, 2009
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I don't know if you've read David Sedaris' "Holidays on Ice", but if you haven't, you should. Better yet, check out the audio book, because reading David Sedaris isn't as funny as hearing him. He has a fabulous review of a holiday program you will love.
I have gone through this three times, in an auditorium filled with students definitely out of my cultural sphere. The noise level is unimaginable, often while the acts are performing. These have been some of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. I sit through them to support my son who, unlike most of the other participants who sing to backing tracks, actually plays an instrument and accompanies himself as he sings.
This is similar to the experiences of parents of non-athlete kids who insist on playing team sports. Or the moms whose spouses insist that Jr. needs the manly experience. Homework: 1) How many encouraging words does it take to cheer up a child after yet another hour+ of bench-sitting? 2) How long can any parent (mom) be expected to stay awake?
P.S. Luckily, both of mine finally made the high school varsity basketball team and ended up stars. Still, baseball remains a foul memory.
My middle school tried that a couple of times. Usually I managed to get out of it or in the case of a couple of really bad plays got minor non-speaking roles that lasted all of 20 seconds involving hauling a dead body off stage. After which I would resume my stage hand duties. I know I'm not a talent show person and so thankful my parents only showed up after the shows/plays, alot of them were really, really bad.
If the kids were the ones who decided to put on the show, good for them. They are actually willing to share themselves and what they have to say instead of sulking in a closet. Or breaking the closet door. Yay on them.
For you though, I can only suggest drugs. Which is ironic as that is what the kids should not be on.
My only memory (as traumatized mother of four) is of the LOUDEST room I've ever suffered in ... watching kids lipsynch. Not sing with pre-recorded accompanyment; just lipsynch. And this is a talent?
Eesh. The mention of lip-synching brings back memories of my grade six graduation - where we were informed, about two or three months before graduation that we'd be expected to perform a lip-synch-and-dance routine for the rest of the school.
There were no options to get out of it (much to my dismay - I suffered badly from crowd-fear at the time).
At least my middle school and high school were better, in that regard: there was choir and band at middle school, but there were no talent shows - just the occasional performance.
High school had a biannual play, but they're chosen carefully since the intent is to sell tickets and put this on for middle-schoolers and adults.
When I was in 8th grade, my principal decided we needed a talent show. There were some amazing stepdancers, but a whole lot of lipsynching. Including two (two!) groups of 2nd grade girls who sang and danced along to 1) artistically rotten and 2) sexually explicit pop songs.
I was a teacher's aid in that class in a free period, and I kinda wanted to cry. I'm all for kids knowing the facts about things early, but...really? Their parents bought them those CDs?
Oh my yes. Those are seriously painful experiences. Almost as bad as the middle school choir concert I had to go to this spring (my daughter's district-wide kids' choir was singing). I had to dig my fingernails into my hands to keep from saying anything, not knowing if those poor kids' parents were near me.
Oh, yes, I remember these. In sixth grade I played a rather boring but correct piano piece for one of them, and was dutifully applauded, then sat and dutifully applauded several lipsynching acts and two girls who did cartwheels and somersaults to the Grease soundtrack. The most painful (and maybe the most inadvertently hilarious), however, was the fat kid who got up and tried to read jokes out of a library paperback, but would start giggling noiselessly in the middle of a punchline. Alas, we weren't laughing with him, we were laughing at him.
In defense of lipsynching, though, some can be quite good and funny. See here, here, and, of course, here. It's the rare school act that rises to this level, though...
Truly awkward kids rarely want to be in a show, and kids rarely have the power to put on a show without some adult involvement. I suspect parental pressure if not an actual school requirement. I'm sorry for the kids as well as the audience. Being bad at something is hard enough without being forced to show the world how bad at it you are.
C'mon, the Stanky Leg dance was fun.
At least they should all be given this for their effort.
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