Ya, right.

I have a pretty generous policy on missing exams and makeups. All I need is written documentation of why a student was unable to make it to an exam, and then I give a makeup. I state, all in caps, in the syllabus that makeup exams must be made up within three days of the originally scheduled exam (barring unforeseen circumstances like extended hospital stays and so forth).

So one of my students, call him Mr. Less, calls me the morning of the last exam from the emergency room. "Don't worry," I say, paternally, "Just bring me a note from the attending physician and I'll schedule a makeup exam for you. I hope you feel better soon." Mr. Less hangs up, and disappears from my life.

Last week I found a message in my mailbox, with an attached physician's note, from Mr. Less. "Dear Angry Professor," it states, "I have been trying to reach you to schedule my makeup exam but you aren't in your office when I come by. I will be available to make up the exam on [list of dates] at [list of times]." I ignore this letter and file away the physician's note. After all, is it my job to chase down Mr. Less to schedule this thing?

Here it is a week later and apparently Mr. Less is starting to get nervous. It is now two weeks after the exam. An email from him appeared, reiterating the contents of last week's letter. Email is easy, so I respond.

"You say you have been trying to get in touch with me for two weeks now. But you know exactly where I am on two afternoons every week: lecturing to your class. Have you not been there? If not, why?"

And why should I now provide a makeup exam? If he didn't care about it, why should I care? I eagerly await his excuses. I can't wait to see how interesting they'll be.

Update: I am so lame. Sometimes I hate myself. So Mr. Less comes to class today, and hangs around, waiting out the post-class cocktail party of questions everyone was too bashful to ask during the lecture. Sure enough, he has a huge sob story. And do I say, "Gee, that's too bad. I guess I'll see you next quarter?" No, I say, "Gee, that's too bad. Let's make your final count double to cover your missed exam."

I'm such a patsy. If it weren't for the stupid student evaluations, I could be such an asshole. I wish I could be an asshole.