I've moved on to Vicodin, and I have an appointment with a surgeon. Meanwhile, I lurch between my office and the lecture hall, looking for all the world like I have a pickle shoved up my ass, telling people that I fell and injured my tailbone. I'm now ingesting nothing but clear fluids, in an attempt to avoid what would inevitably result if I were to eat (like the rest of the family tonight) chili dogs and potato chips.
I checked the NIHS mortality data for 2005, and it doesn't seem as though people die from hemorrhoids. I think it's a cover-up.
Update: I am scheduled for EMERGENCY (!) hemorrhoid surgery tomorrow. Good thing I started on that liquid diet a little early. I'm kicking back, enjoying a big magnesium citrate cocktail, and ya know? I like magnesium citrate (cherry flavor). Shall we start a pool? How many days post-op will the Angry Professor need to get up in front of a class again?
Update II: Surgery went well. Kudos to the anesthesia team: I don't even remember getting my spinal. Jeers to the anesthesia team: they couldn't manage to keep me pain-free for the next two weeks. Advice to everyone: got a hemorrhoid? Get it treated now.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
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11 comments:
I'm so sorry.
My grandmother (may she rest in peace) had hemorrhoid surgery in the late '70s. It did indeed fix her problems (which were as severe as yours, if not worse), but we giggled for years about how, upon her return from the hospital, she couldn't handle any sort of noise or vibrations in the house--they hurt her newly-sewn-together 'rhoids too much. A big yellow tomcat accidentally got in the house, and Maw-Maw could supposedly feel each delicate kitty-cat step in her butt.
Mom and I still laugh at the thought of her shouting at my grandfather, "Get that goddamn cat out of the house NOW!"
Seriously, though...best of luck. You'll feel much better after the procedure. And please do fill us in on how it goes.
miss kitty, your post made my eyes water with stifled hilarity (I'm in the library).
No one dies Angry, they just wish they were dead. But that's before the surgery. Afterwards is much better: promise.
I guess it goes without saying that the pickle would be sour and not sweet.
I hope your Angry Asshole heals well and soon. I can't wait to read about further developments.
I guess this means your 'roided-up 'roid won't be making a WWE title run anytime soon. I'm bummed.
Good luck with the surgeon's consult!
She'll be up immediately, because she won't be able to sit down, of course.
Anal surgery. The only surgery where I scrubbed after the operation, not before.
WTC
Argh! Hope it goes well and the recovery time is fast.
Good luck! I hope it alleviates this nastiness you've been going through. I give you 2 days to be back teaching. If LSU is anything like MSCU, it will be b/c your department likes to "soldier on" through illness and expects everyone to follow suit ;)
My guess? A week post-op.
It's Liz from I Speak of Dreams. My dear, I am sorry for your suffering -- I too have felt the pain.
It must be hemorrhoid week on the internets. Here's a page from Modern Mechanix 1952 offering cures for rectal disorders, as featured at Boing Boing.
I hope your surgery brings much needed relief and wish you fast healing!
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