Back in March I agreed to do something that I thought would be similar to serving on an NIH panel. That is, I thought I'd fly into the D.C. area, check into a comfy hotel, sit in a room with a bunch of friends for a few days talkin' about research, and then go home. Usually everyone wears clothing made of jersey and lots of beer is drunk (in the evenings, after the research part is over).
Well, surprise! I will be making "congressional visits." Yeah, that congress. I have just received instructions on how to create my "briefing sheets" and been told how important business cards will be.
I'm a fucking lobbyist. I'm going to have to buy a fucking suit, and maybe even wear fucking pantyhose with fucking high heels. I'm going to have to borrow a fucking briefcase to carry my fucking briefs in.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
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7 comments:
Wow! I'm impressed.
--AB
AP,
Remember that scene in Silence of the Lambs where Agent Starling was invited to look at the body that had the moth in its mouth? She had to smear some goo under her nose to keep the smell from making her vomit.
You may want to get some of that stuff.
GDad
Try to think of it as a 'learning' experience. After a few hours (days?) of doing that, even that hopeful lab assistant is going to be a welcomed relief.
Bag on that, hop on an AMTRAK to Philly, and come stay with me.
I'm more fun than a barrel of Ted Kennedys -- or Dead Kennesys,.
Dearest Angry Prof.
Contact me. I was a lobbyist for 10 years, and while my rolodex isn't up to date, you can certainly use my name with one Congresswoman who is an old, dear friend and who was best man at my wedding.
I loved lobbying. It was the most exciting, contemplative, positive job I have ever had. Some pointers to make it a productive experience:
1. Lobbying as a zero-sum game is lobbying at its worst. Try to craft solutions in which everyone wins. You are, after all, creating policy, not playing rugby.
2. You will accomplish the most and stay sane longer if you don't care who gets the credit. Really.
3. Try to speak to people in the voice they are most likely to understand. This means you have to do your homework. Know as much as you can about the lawmakers you are meeting with. Know what they did before entering politics, know what their spouses do for a living, know who gives them money. I once swung a legislator on an insurance bill because I knew his son and daughter-in-law were struggling with infertility. (He was an insurance agent, no less!)
Sorry for the long post.
BTW -- I always think to myself, "Gosh! I hope she's not angry with ME."
I suggest that you wear a plastic bag under the suit. That way the bull shit won't get on your skin. You can strip the cloths off and burn them after you are done.
Having watched C-Span I think you may entering the largest play pen in the world. Democrat or Republican they all act like a bunch of 4 year olds. You have my condolances and sympathy.
When I was a teenager my father had to testify before congress for a week. He would come home and just rage at the stupidity of the senators. He was a good Republican and an executive level employee in an international company in the 1970's. He got so frustrated that he advocated armed revolution to throw the bastards out.
I live near there. E-mail me if you have time to visit! Also, I have suits and shoes.
And a brief case.
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