It was worse than I could have imagined.

The Thanksgiving holiday, traditionally spent at the Angry In-Laws, is predictably excruciating since the death of my father-in-law. Dad was the person that everyone feared disappointing. In his absence, a large fraction of the family, including my mother-in-law (Mom), has decided that good behavior is no longer entirely necessary.

The festivities begin a day or two before Thanksgiving, at Mom's condo. Here we are joined by my sister-in-law Carol. Thus begins the first stage of the ritual, the Airing of Grievances, which is followed by the Taking of Sides. After the Taking of Sides is Tea, over which we Pretend that Mom and Carol are Getting Along Just Fine.

The Pretending includes a sub-ritual that I find particularly difficult, and that is the Naming of the Attributes. This involves my child, whose features and characteristics are dissected and attributed to various family members on my husband's side of the family. The nose? Mom's father. The eyes? Sister-in-law Judy. The prominent behind? Also Judy. The silly quirk? Dad. When I suggest that, perhaps, the nose, bottom, and little quirk are identical to my own, Mom turns on me with ill-concealed fury to ask how, biologically, that is even possible!

We then return to our hotel and this ends the first day of the holiday.

Thanksgiving day begins at Judy and Bill's. The holiday ritual picks up with the Common Commiseration, in which the events of the first day are shared and alcohol is imbibed well before noon. We all work on dinner until Mom and Carol arrive, whence begins the Taking of the Kitchen. During the Taking of the Kitchen, Mom tries to appropriate the cooking duties. This is accompanied by the Monologue of Inadequacy, which describes every way that this meal preparation is different from the ideal meal preparation. The Monologue of Inadequacy is followed by the Shouting of Orders. In previous years this was the most difficult part of the Taking of the Kitchen; this year the Shouting was performed while Mom sat on the couch in the living room. The Orders, therefore, were easily ignored.

The Shouting of Orders ends with the Arrival of the Cousins. This most pleasant part of the ritual is followed by the Eating of the Meal. Mom and Carol usually sit at one end of the table and talk at each other. They consume most of the food between themselves. Serving platters are passed empty to the rest of the table; imperious demands for more food are made. What am I most thankful for? That the Eating of the Meal never lasts more than 30 minutes.

The holiday ritual ends with Leavetakings. Hugs are exchanged, goodbyes are said. We hop into our rental car and retire gratefully to the peace of our hotel. Our flight home is always scheduled for early Friday morning, so we're usually home before we've had time to floss the turkey from between our molars. The pain, however, lasts until Christmas.

I have left out many components of the ritual. The Recitation of the Ailments and the Hurling of Random Complaints are two that come to mind. There is a silver lining to this year's debacle, however: the chances are small that we subject ourselves to it again.