Mr. Bronze Malheur has asked me to write a letter in support of his application to your graduate program. I am dumbfounded: not only am I astonished that he has asked me to write this letter, but also that he has any intention of going to graduate school or that he believes he could possibly be successful.Sincerely,
I met Mr. Malheur when he was a student in my statistics class. He distinguished himself by rarely coming to class and earning a C-. He ranked in the lower half of the class. He then began following me around like a puppy, and, for lack of anything else to do with him, I permitted him to perform menial tasks in my lab.
As a laboratory assistant, he was obnoxious and unreliable. On those rare occasions when I permitted him to collect data, the data were flawed and had to be discarded. He was incapable of being on time for anything, and consistently put his research responsibilities dead last on his list of priorities. He was always very sorry for his mistakes and lapses in judgment, and was very careful to telephone me to apologize at length and make excuses for himself. I know more about this student's personal life than I do about my sister's, and none of it makes for very pleasant reading.
On top of everything else, he is not a very pleasant person to be around. He is a groveling toady, a sycophant. Within a few hours of meeting him, his hollow flattery will chafe like a sandpaper thong. His sartorial decisions leave much to be desired and little to the imagination. The underside of his hairy belly haunts my dreams. He also experiences frequent flatulence; if you admit him to your program I recommend that you stock up on Oust. If your research involves human subjects, under no circumstances should Mr. Malheur be permitted to have contact with them.
In sum, I can think of no one with a college diploma less qualified for graduate work than Mr. Malheur. I suggest you burn his application materials and return his application fee. If you admit him to your program, you will curse the day you were born.
Angry Professor
19 comments:
Darn, I was hoping that someone had actually had the balls to send you a letter like that.
Dear Mr. Malheur:
While I am flattered by your request that I write a letter on your behalf to the admissions committee at [school of choice], I must politely decline your request. I believe that your interests would be much better served by engaging a person who could recommend you with more vigor than I to the gatekeepers of graduate study. Accordingly, I shall not contact the admissions committee on your behalf.
Best wishes in your further studies.
Sincerely,
AP
****
The only diplomatic and politically correct translation that came to mind.
Well, I did see once
Mr. Malheur did a rotation with me. He performed adequately.
And nothing more.
I once had a student (with a D and frequent absences or tardies) ask me to write a letter. I replied, "I would have to include your current grade and your attendance. Are you quite sure you want me to write on your behalf?"
He grinned and agreed it would be best for him to get a letter from someone else.
Can you take an approach like that?
If you really think that he would not be well suited for graduate school, don't you think you ought to say so? By asking you for a rec he's sort of indirectly solicited your opinion, even. Or, if you think he hasn't got the skills he needs, you could say 'You would really need X, Y, and Z skills to be successful in graduate school' and maybe he'll either take the hint or go out and work on his problems and get himself to a place where he can be successful.
There is no point setting people up for failure.
One of my prized possessions is a copy of the "Lexicon of Intentionally Ambiguous Recommendations" (L.I.A.R. for short) which teaches such grammatical tricks as "You would be lucky to get this student to work for you," and "This student's attendance record was noteworthy."
You need one.
I actually did write one like this once (not quite as pointed, though). I tried to explain to the student that it would be better for him to get someone else. He insisted, as I am known in the field, etc. And he had worked for me.
I tried to explain, gently, that that was exactly the problem, I would have to write how I experienced his work in my lab. He was so blinded by his perceived excellence that he insisted.
So I wrote the truth. Must have shocked the good people in the admissions office. Strange, he didn't get in.
I agree with human, perhaps everyone will be better served by you suggesting to this student that he may not be cut out for graduate school. Especially his potential future grad school profs.
Some of y'all are assuming that I haven't already suggested that he should get a letter from someone else.
From a critical standpoint, it is brilliantly written...uUntil the last sentence, which is superfluous. Overkill.
"The underside of his hairy belly haunts my dreams." That is priceless.
I once wrote "I never had reason to doubt her reliability -- she was always a qualified success."
I'm appalled that some students don't realize that asking for a rec letter is a double-edged sword. The first criterion should be whether they did well in the class, even though letters are supposed to go far beyond the grade. If they didn't do well, then chances are slim that the letter will contain anything but random mutterings
Oh, aye, I'll have a go. It's near perfect as it is though.
Dear Admissions Committee,
Mr. Bronze Malheur has asked me to write a letter in support of his application to your graduate program. I repeated stated that I could not give him a good letter and that he should ask someone else, but he has stated he prefers I send one anyway.
I met Mr. Malheur when he was a student in my statistics class. He distinguished himself by rarely coming to class and earning a C-. He ranked in the lower half of the class. He then began following me around like a puppy, and, for lack of anything else to do with him, I permitted him to perform menial tasks in my lab.
As a laboratory assistant, he was obnoxious and unreliable. On those rare occasions when I permitted him to collect data, the data were flawed and had to be discarded. He was incapable of being on time for anything, and consistently put his research responsibilities dead last on his list of priorities. He was always very sorry for his mistakes and lapses in judgment, and was very careful to telephone me to apologize at length and make excuses for himself. I know more about this student's personal life than I do about my sister's, and none of it makes for very pleasant reading.
On top of everything else, his interaction with others is poor. He is a groveling toady, a sycophant. His sartorial decisions leave much to be desired and little to the imagination. The underside of his hairy belly haunts my dreams. He also experiences frequent flatulence; if you admit him to your program I recommend that you stock up on Oust. If your research involves human subjects, under no circumstances should Mr. Malheur be permitted to have contact with them.
In sum, I can think of no one with a college diploma less qualified for graduate work than Mr. Malheur. I suggest you burn his application materials and return his application fee.
Sincerely,
Angry Professor
Dear Admissions Committee,
This student of mine in the lab
Wore shirts that uncovered his flab.
The equipment's all broke.
I near had a stroke
From his non-stop monotonous gab.
Sincerely,
Angry Professor
Hey, I'd send it. Though maybe without the bit about the hairiness.
Obviously graduate school is out ... your might suggest to Mr. Malheur that politics could be considered a more appropriate choice for someone with his unique range of talents. He would surely find himself in association with people he could relate to ...
If you've already suggested that he get a recommendation from elsewhere and he is stupid enough to persist pestering you, he deserves whatever he gets. In fact, that might be a nice little anecdote to throw into your recommendation letter: "Mr. Malheur's level of intelligence is most aptly summarized by his request that I write to you of his qualifications."
We've been warned that you need a FERPA waiver in order to say anything about a student's academics in a recommendation letter.
Sheeeeit, send it like it is. How could this asswipe of a student NOT know he was obnoxious while in your employ?
Otherwise, Anonymous's reply seems to me the best course of action.
Dear Sir and/or Madam
Please, please, please take him. Just take him. I'll be your friend forever if you'd just...take him from us.
Yours faithfully,
Desperate Professor
Post a Comment