This probably isn't funny, unless your university is also a Division I school.

"Mommy! Did you know that in Michigan you can eat real bear poop?! You can! Really!"

Free trade!

I am going over the page proofs for our textbook, which is supposed to be in production by spring.

The copyediting and production editing of our manuscript was outsourced to a company in India. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Many Indians speak English as their first language, but it doesn't look as if the manuscript was copyedited much, if at all.

Our manuscript was originally with a small independent publisher, but was sold to Taylor and Francis, and is now with CRC. This is not the first time I have had "fun" with a big publishing house. I'm convinced now that it takes a truly evil soul to become an editor, and Satan's own minions are the CEO's of McGrawHillThompsonTaylorFrancisWadsworthPearsonPrenticeHallAllynBaconFreemanWorth.

I do so love being a mom.

Were you in Whole Foods this morning, within 50 feet of the pasta aisle, you might have heard, "Mommy! My privates itch!" [Cue appropriate visuals.]

In which I do not answer dumb questions.

Ahhh... the first exam of the fall quarter. The tension hangs in the air like early-morning fog over a meadow. Email has been delivered to my server in a steady stream all night:

Hello,

I ate some bad clams on Tuesday, so I missed class. Did we go over anything that wasn't in the class notes? Also, for tomorrow's test, should I study more from the notes or the readings? I'd appreciate your help.

Thank you,
Destine Tieux Failleur

Dear Destine,

I'm sorry you weren't feeling well. Make sure you get Tuesday's notes from a classmate. My lectures follow the readings very closely, so either should be fine.

Angry Professor

A friend is gone.

I came home early today to hunt for the Angry Cat. I found him, under the vapor barrier in a basement crawlspace. It did not look like a pleasant death: lots of bleeding where kitties shouldn't bleed. We suspect that AC died with his boots on, and a warm mousie full of rat poison in his tummy. We'll know more after the necropsy.

Rest in peace, you hairy bastard.

Today is Tuesday.

Hi,

I need to know what the exam is going to be covering and what I should expect. I was going to try and start studying today. If you could let me know that would be great. Thank you.

Student

[Note: the exam is Thursday.]

Yes, I do eat something besides bacon.

I eat whole grains, tons of raw fruit and vegetables, dairy products sparingly, red meat once or twice a week, and no saturated fats. I have a picture-perfect diet, except for the cream in my coffee.

Something tells me that putting skim milk in my coffee isn't going to solve this problem.

A friend goes missing.

This was going to be a post about the Angry Cat: his fat, lazy, majesty who pays no rent and the bucket full of happy, healthy mice I found over the weekend and why are we feeding him anyway? But the Angry Cat has decided to go on an adventure and is nowhere to be found.

I just want him to come back. I promise I won't make him eat mice for dinner.

Mailbag Monday: Edition "He's baa-a-ack!"

From: RPMB Lab
To: Angry Professor
Subject: RPMB Lab - Bulletin, September 2007

RPMB Lab - Bulletin, September 2007

Suicide bombers are severe maniacs, agents of devil, enemies of Allah, unique and monotheistic god, so also god of medicine. The problem is more and maximally serious: the problem is medical. I suggest to inform habitants possibly carriers of the risk.

Sane habitants / perfect doctors don't make duels and don't fight each other, respecting exact national and international rules: in any conflict almost one combatant is mentally insane "Enemy is mentally insane"

Phisiologycal behavior means absence of pathological behavior; The range is from zero to 1000 of pathologicity, zero means phisiology. Self destructive activity of a group is pathological behavior.

The tribunal says that 95% of paedophiles and suicide bombers is sane and has no mental illness or disability. This means: physiological behavior, non pathological behavior. Also crimes against the patrimony or with economic motive are non physiological conducts.

Example: "Egyptians kill homosexuals but children are not born homosexuals: egyptians corrupt then kill sane children, using illegal and maniacal behaviors". This can really happen matching a "predisposition and activation" case: a predisposition like my arm has, to be broken by a crash.

Why slapping child isn't a crime and a mania? Which clinical problem, methods of correction and control want to correct? Methods of correction, like slapping, menacing, insulting are by general rule illegal and maniacal behaviors. They involve 80-90% of earth's population: there should be a medical document deposited somewhere, that disposes the violation of the general rule, for a medical reason. If that would be a problem it could be involved in the pathogenesis of many morbose states.

Killing animals is a crime and a mania. Why killing for eating animals isn't a crime and a mania, as generally is? Is there a medical document deposited somewhere, that disposes the violation of the general rule? In every case it is a parasitic activity.

Siegmund Freud says that children has sexual attraction for parents, and that mind is partitioned in three parts: ego, superego, es. Does he lie not knowing to be lying? Is psychoanalysis a fake?

Unsubscribers, friends, donations: RPMB Lab, kksd215 @yahoo.com

"The new [Undergear catalog's] here! The new [Undergear catalog's] here!"

The Winter 2007 Gay Victoria's Secret appeared in my mailbox today. A healthy heterosexual woman, I enjoy this publication just as much as a healthy homosexual man. Well, almost as much. My deep suspicion that all the models are gay tempers my enthusiasm a little.

Two offerings in the new catalog caught my attention. The first is the Priape Wear Collection. Yes, I know that Priape is a large manufacturing concern, but doesn't "priape" put one immediately in mind of large but nonetheless painful genitalia? Why would this be a good moniker for a line of men's underpants?

Second was this. I love a man in uniform just as much as the next girl (or boy), but I don't think they let you stay in the service if you're this far out of the closet. Why, then, fetishize camo?

Update: Our housekeepers, a gay couple who are drag queens when they aren't sweeping up my dustbunnies, stole my catalog. They left a short note in its place: "DAMN!"

A hypothetical situation.

Suppose that your usual teaching assignment for, say, the spring semester has been given to an adjunt faculty member because you have other teaching responsibilities. Now suppose that the adjunct asks you for your course prep (syllabus and overheads).

Do you give it to him/her? Would it matter if the adjunct were a former student (of the graduated-but-unemployed so now a visiting professor variety)?

I gave it up, but I felt a little put off.

Mailbag Monday: Edition "Above all, avoid wide columns while Mars is in Capricorn."

From: Dave <nostnews@cwnet.com>
To: <Angry Professor>
Subject: HILLARY'S FIRST TERM

HILLARY'S FIRST TERM

President Hillary Rodham
Clinton is Scorpio, a Water
sign. There have been five
Scorpio chief executives:
John Adams, James Polk,
James Garfield, Theodore
Roosevelt and Warren
Harding.  With Hillary there
will be six, the most of any
of the signs.

Element analysis - using the chart above - gives us a good method
to predict what may happen during her first four years.  As the chart
indicates, planets passing through Water, Fire and Earth will be
beneficial for her.  Those planets that transit Air, Scorpio's
'nelement', will give her trouble.


2009: Saturn in an Earth sign
gives Hillary a ten month
honeymoon with America.
Jupiter in Aquarius, an Air
sign, will not be too hard for
her because Aquarius is
square to Scorpio, an
easier aspect to live with
than the really tough air signs
for Scorpio, those of Libra
and Gemini.

2010: Saturn, the heavy-
weight of the planets, moves
into Libra and our chief is
finished with the honeymoon.
Libra rules the courts, China,
and the fine arts.  Take your
pick which you think will be
her biggest problem.

2011:  For this whole year,
plus most of the next, she
will be saddled with the same
Libra dilemma.  She'll have
some help, however, with
Jupiter in Fire, Water and
Earth signs.

2012:  There's real trouble for
Hillary when Jupiter joins
Saturn in Air in the middle of
the year.  But ... good news
comes right at the end of her
first term as Saturn enters her
own sign of Scorpio, just in time for a re-election bid.

(For those of you monitoring the Mayan calendar, you'll remember
that the world is due to come to an end on December 21, 2012.)

From David Bromberg, Chico, CA, USA
www.nostradamusnews.net <http://www.nostradamusnews.net>

In which I join the insurgency.

Funny colleague reported yesterday on my instructor ratings at the Site-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. I have finally received a chili pepper.

I once described my appearance to someone who had never seen me before. I told him that I look like a homeless librarian. My hair is clipped up in a messy wad. I wear glasses, I have a really long nose, and my clothes came out of the dumpster behind Land's End. Tim Gunn would give me up as a bad job.

How, then, did this come to pass? My chili pepper comes from a friend (another professor) who trolls the Site-That-Must-Not-Be-Named giving out chili peppers to everyone he knows, because professors are hawt! I'm pissed that I didn't think of doing it myself. To rectify this oversight, this morning I created an account at the Site-That-Must-Not-Be-Named and I'm giving out awesome ratings and chili peppers to all my friends and colleagues.

Now, all that hair I have snarled into a ball? I haven't cut it since 2003. If I take the clip out it falls to my waist. All I need to make my life as a professor complete is a nomination to the Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club for Scientists. That should take the sting out of not being elected to the Academy.

Sucks to be you!

Hey,

I checked out one of the reserved books for your class on Monday, but I didn't realize that I could only have a reserved book for two hours. (I've always remembered that it's up to a week.) I now have a 100 dollar fine. Can you help me? You should probably tell your other students that they can only check out the books for two hours.

Thanks,
Notta Britelite

Dear Notta,

(See that thing I just started this message with, the thing with your name in it? It's called a salutation, and it's considered rude not to use one.)

What were you thinking? Do you think, ever? You should try it. It feels good.

Have you been to class lately? There are around 90 students in the class. How many copies of the text do you think the library has? One for each of you? When you took the book home and kept it for a week or two, how do you think the other students managed to do the readings? Frankly, you got off easy with the $100 fine. If it were up to me, it would have been closer to $1000. (Your overinflated sense of entitlement indicates you're used to pissing away thousands of dollars at a go.)

And how, exactly, am I supposed to help? Do you think I have magic library powers? Let me tell you something about the Schutzstaffel at the library. I ignored a recall request a few years ago. Now, I, a tenured professor, racked up a quick $250 in fines before I returned the recalled book. Of course I ignored my fines, because professors don't have to pay fines, right? Wrong! Soon my university ID didn't work. I couldn't check out books, I couldn't go to the gym, and I couldn't open any doors.

I paid my fine. I learned from the experience. Go forth and do ye likewise.

Sincerely,
Angry Professor

Email from the opera.

"3rd act... Mimi is near death. Be home soon."

The Angry Kid asks the $60,000 question.

"Mommy, what happens when you get to three?"

Something icky I have never seen before.

I just finished running a seminar. It was a good discussion of an exciting new paper.

One of the students chewed on his soul patch throughout the seminar.

Nasty!

Open discussion.

One of my precious snowflakes will miss today's quiz for, one hopes, legitimate reasons. However, he has asked to meet with me to discuss the material that the quiz covers before he makes it up.

I say no, but that I will be happy to discuss course material with him after he takes the quiz. What say you?

"Frankly, my dears, I don't give a damn."

From: Scarlett #1
To: Angry Professor
Subject: ESP and Aliens

Hello,
I'm trying to graduate next quarter and just found out I need an upper-division class. this one fits in my schedule and I was really hoping you would let me still add the class even though it's the third week. As long as all I've missed is readings I know I can catch up. I will come to class tommarow and speak with you futhur.

Scarlett #1

From: Scarlett #2
To: Angry Professor
Subject: ESP and Aliens

I was hoping i could still add this class. I know this it is the third week but i really need another class. My friend Scarlett #1 is trying to add the class and me and her could catch up together. I will attend your class tommarow to discuss this more. Please let me know asap. Thanks - Scarlett #2

Mailbag Monday: Edition "Religion is dopaminergic."

From: Iman Amateur
To: Angry Professor
Subject: Dr. Angry Professor; This is not spam: Academic inquiry from I. Amateur

Dr. Angry Professor;

Because of your insightful research into [areas I have never researched], I am hoping that you will respond to the following.

Promoters of the evolutionary viewpoint regarding theism do not yet quite have a causal foundation for their views. They merely state that religion is a part of natural selection. They do not state why. This opinion of mine was confirmed in The New Yorker's Atheists with Attitude article (May 21, 2007). It states that the natural selection argument for religion is "thin stuff." I'm hoping to fatten it up a little... Dopamine activation in the striatal and mesolimbic pathways is the thickening agent for my theory here.

May I suggest a possible evolutionary foundation for religion and superstition?

I widely read that evolutionary psychologists and anthropologists get confused by the enigma that religion poses. They often cite "fitness costs" such as burial goods, celibacy and other forms of resource allocation that do not give back in practical ways. As a leading academic paper on the subject concludes, "...these costs are not outweighed by any obvious benefits"(1). In other words, religious people offer their time, money and resources into a system that does not provide an obvious adaptive advantage. Except in one way: satisfaction from a necessary delusion. That means dopamine activation. Dopamine is our evolved natural reward. To feel ascendant through reward dopamine means to feel more assertive, confident and even dominant over obstacles. May I remind you that all of animal life is reward-based - from yeast to humans. We are dopamine machines. It even explains consciousness. Most professors and researchers who examine the issue of consciousness rely of the principle of neural rewards to explain its evolution. The smoking gun for the evolution of religion is that it rewards believers. And nature rewards adaptive behavior for a reason.
University of Colorado at Colorado Springs psychologist Tom Pyszcynski advocates in his "terror management theory" that we need to delude ourselves to survive. Delusion is adaptive. Psychologist Cordelia Fine in her A Mind of its Own: How Your Mind Distorts and Deceives (W.W. Norton, 2006) is another case in point: her term for this behavior is our "deluded brain." Thus magical thinking is a necessary delusion. Children display this tendency more so than adults. They talk to their toys and animate them, for example. Talking to an invisible deity is no different. Would a doll be so interesting to a child if he or she realized it was only stuffed cloth sewn together? In the wider perspective, to face an otherwise difficult and cruel life is just too real for most to face. Yet such magical thinking is also a impetus for creative - as well as superstitious - behavior. Religion is therefore satisfying. To not know is less gratifying than to know about something - even if the knowledge is wrong.
Religion is therefore dopaminergic. It seems to be an extended evolved ability using our dopamine neural pathway. "Speaking in tongues," trances, exorcisms and the like appear to be a form of insanity to non-believers. Interestingly enough, schizophrenia with its audio and visual hallucinations (positive symptoms) is linked to excessive dopamine in the brain's striatum (2).
Novelty generates dopamine in us, too, just like intoxicants do (3). The "mysterious revelations" of religion have novel implications and manifestations. We prefer novelty over the expected when given the choice. Yet we enjoy predictability too because we can feel comfortable and in control. Religion provides both of these two variables.
Furthermore, combine the need for delusion with our need to worship the dominant/heroes. A study published in Current Biology describes how primates will "pay" a cherry juice reward in order to view female specie members' behinds (primate pornography). They will also pay to view images of dominant specie members, too (4). This appears to be a form of hero worship. The satisfaction of reward is clearly evident simply through the viewing of these images of the dominant members. This study helps us to understand humans' propensity to worship celebrities like religious figures. It also strengthens the concept that hero worship is rewarding - therefore dopaminergic.
Added to this is our psychological drive to be acknowledged. For example, to feel well acknowledged activates reward dopamine. A study out of Wake Forest University that was widely published in media reports demonstrates how dominant monkeys have more dopamine that subordinates (5). We live for the thrill of positive recognition. Even second president John Adams, like many other thoughtful people past and present, thought so. "A desire to be observed, esteemed, praised, beloved, and admired by his fellows is one of the earliest as well as one of the keenest dispositions of man." We are acknowledgment machines. Living cells are so, too. The only thing cells do non-stop is seek feedback from their environment through their lipid bi-layer membrane. Even the molecules that form those cells, too, are feedback machines. "Bigger," "faster," and "heavier" are all terms to explain the complexity of atomic development. These are all comparative adjectives. Only by getting feedback from markers in an environment does an atomic structure "know" or sense that a change has taken place. Not surprisingly, even our future will be dictated by this principle of recognition: Norbert Weiner, the founder of cybernetics, stated that artificial intelligence is based on feedback. So whether it concerns real or fake intelligence, feedback/acknowledgment is the key to understanding it.
Consequently, since we are so imbued with desire to be recognized and need to receive feedback, then nature overly emphasizes that ability in us. Just as an elk can grow its antlers to excess and create a "fitness cost" due to decreased mobility, so too the peacock and other species can get too much of a good thing. So can humans, as well. As a Nature article reports, this overly equipping with ability is even found in dinosaurs. Guanlong Wucaii, a fossil from China, sports a disk appendage rising from its snout. That "would have surely hampered the beast in its quest for food." Yet this sacrifice most likely evolved because it made the dinosaur more dominant (6). A more extreme case is the female hyena. This is the most dominant of female mammals in existence. Yet its fake phallus birthing channel causes harm and death to both mother and cubs often. Nature emphasizes acknowledgment through dominance even at the expense of health! Such feedback from being recognized in a positive way controls us. For example, isolated children regularly have brain atrophy as their brains decay from a lack of feedback (7). Dopamine from dominance often reigns supreme. And nature accentuates its quest for complexity by overly equipping existing abilities and thus forming new ones as a result. Religion seems to be just one more heightened behavior.
Furthermore, how ironic is it that we humans view other species' adaptations as being strange yet we regard our own behavior as normal?! Still, people often regard foreign religions as being strange, yet not their own. The truth is, religious/superstitious behavior is simply one more odd adaptation like the elk's antlers, Guanlong Wucaii's disk, or how a female hyena is more male than her male counterparts are. Yet all these adaptations allow for more dopamine through feeling dominant.
Combining all the above into a relatively neat package, humans' need to escape reality developed as higher-order consciousness and awareness evolved. The mechanism for this relief from reality derived from people's most used psychological function: the need to influence others and be recognized. Thus these needs evolved into an expanded survival instinct: the necessary delusion of religion. After all, religion is simply acknowledging/influencing an assumed Something or Someone in the expectation of being recognized/influenced by this Force in return. Research demonstrates that expectation is more dopaminergic than actually receiving the thing desired (8). As Tom Pyszcynski stated, to realize that "we humans are merely transient animals groping to survive in a meaningless universe, destined only to decay and die," is far too negative for most of us (9). Therefore, the mesolimbic/striatal dopamine pathways evolved a solution.
Thus the mechanism for religion that I propose is simply this: life is tough. To be rewarded through a delusion of grandeur is beneficial. Our heightened acknowledgment capacity provides that ability to happen. To feel confident is to activate serotonin and dopamine. Thus people get rewarded to be deluded.
Of course, these delusions vary profoundly between groups of people the world over. Therefore they are divisive. Western nations (except for America and Ireland) drop religious fervor as they progress socially, technologically and politically. Nature has only one modus operandi: cause and effect. This global village we all live in can only be united by that one general principle of nature. Belief in a supernatural might unite small groups, but overall it divides as it is based solely on conjecture. And as Socrates' Euthyphro dilemma reveals, a thing is good because of causal sense making it so. Revelation is merely an opinion. And opinions can vary constantly.
Accordingly, the solution to overcoming this vestigial evolved ability of religious delusion involves dopamine. Through making believers feel cheated by their irrational beliefs (these beliefs do not conform to causal reality) then they will be less dopaminergic and rewarding. Evolutionary psychology suggests we have an innate way of measuring things: through our mental "cheater detection mechanism" (10). In other words, people feel cheated about generally the same things anywhere in the world. This is our strongest weapon against non-causal beliefs. People do not want to believe in things that can be demonstrated to be false. Holding wrong opinions makes a person subordinate to those who are more correct in theirs. It is embarrassing to be proven wrong. As was stated previous, the subordinate are not rewarded: they are scientifically demonstrated to have less dopamine than the more dominant have. Consequently, the conundrum lies in this: theists do not believe that the tenets of their faiths are wrong. Every religion has their apologists who attempt to shield believers from doubt. Of course, their arguments are faulty. Unfortunately, due to society protecting "motherhood issues" such as religion, the media and public school educators are reluctant to confront theists in general. Yet it is only through such confrontation that theists will feel cheated. To reduce their dopamine activation is to win the war against subscribers of non-causal beliefs.
In summary, 1. The necessary delusion of religion is dopaminergic. This corresponds with terror management theory and magical thinking. 2. Novelty dopamine and dopamine through feeling dominant create gratification in us. 3. Primal "hero worship" in animals and humans is dopaminergic. 4. The role of personal recognition is our most common avenue to gratification and serotonin. This gets expanded through evolution as a newer ability: acknowledging the unseen and the imagined (magical thinking). 5. The solution to end this vestigial ability of non-causal religious thinking involves activating the "cheater detection mechanisms" of believers.

I am an instructor in creative development for corporate groups and university students. As a result, I have to keep up on various research papers on how the brain works. Further, I like to combine my creative mind with my academic reasoning. I believe that I have original and innovative contributions to make in scientific exploration.

Please feel free to email me in order to discuss this matter further.

Thank You and Have a Good Day,

Iman Amateur.

Footnotes
(1) Jan Beck and Wolfgang Forstmeier, Superstition and Belief as Inevitable By-products of an Adaptive Learning Strategy, Human Nature, Volume 18, Number 1/2007, p.35-46.
(2) A. Abi-Dargham, J. Rodenhiser, D. Printz, Y. Zea Ponze, R. Gil, L.S. Kegeles, R. Weiss, T.B. Cooper, J.J. Mann, R.L. van Heertum, J.M. Gorman and M. Laruelle, Increased Baseline Occupancy of D2 Receptors by Dopamine in Schizophrenia, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America (PNAS), July 5, 2000, vol. 97, no. 14, 8104-8109.
(3) Robert Mathias, Novelty Seekers and Drug Abusers tap same Brain Reward System, Animal Studies show, National Institute on Drug Abuse Notes, Volume 10, Number 4, July/August 1995.
(4) S.V Shepherd, R.O. Deaner and M.L. Platt, 2006, Social Status Gates Social Attention in Monkeys, Current Biology 16(4):119-20.
(5) P.W. Czoty, Ciara McCabe and M.A. Nader, Behavioral Pharmacology: Assessment of the Relative Reinforcing Strength of Cocaine in Socially Housed Monkeys using a Choice Procedure, Journal of Pharmacology and Experimental Therapeutics: Fast Forward, August 30, 2004.
(6) Scientists dig up T. rex Precursor, AFP/AP/Taipei Times, February 9, 2006. The original story appeared in Nature, February 2006.
(7) Bruce D. Perry, Childhood Experience and the Expression of Genetic Potential: What Childhood Neglect tells us about Nature and Nurture, Kluwer Academic Publishers, Netherlands, 2002. As reprinted in Brain and Mind, Vol. 3, No. 1, April 2002, pp.79-100.
(8) Matthew Herper, Happiness is Mostly Genetic, Forbes, September 23, 2004.
(9) Brian Bethune, Why you think you're Wonderful, Macleans, October 9, 2006.
(10) J.H. Barkow (editor), L. Cosmides (editor), J. Tooby (editor), The Adapted Mind: Evolutionary Psychology and the Generation of Culture, Oxford University Press, New York NY, 1992, pp. 202 & 581.